The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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