I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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