wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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