honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
