Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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