Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
