then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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