he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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