im about as happy as oj after his trial
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
