Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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