watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So many bounce houses so little time
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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