I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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