Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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