I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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