we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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