Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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