Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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