Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
