the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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