How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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