Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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