from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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