....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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