I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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