You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
