need another drink. this is the easiest way
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
This is not my ceiling
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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