i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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