Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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