Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
