went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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