I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
