apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
