dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
