can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
