On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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