I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
