FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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