We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
