no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
