We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize