His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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