I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
