While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
