she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize