I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
