I would go down on you faster than GM stock
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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