I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I think I sprained my soul last night
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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