Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
