youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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