Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You are a booty call, not a friend.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
