i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
