I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I could make wine with my vomit
Everything about him screamed your future.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
