our cab driver is having phone sex.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
