Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
