Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
