When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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