but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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