Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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