and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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