Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
