She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
