wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
