Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Randomize
