You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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