You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
