College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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