Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
