I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
