there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We need a shit load of segways right now
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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