I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
