if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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